I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
