she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
