she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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