i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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