I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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