Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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