Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
