is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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