Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
