mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
