I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
