I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize