I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
