There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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