I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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