I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
