Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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