At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
