he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
