He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
