the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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