she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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