Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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