im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
