I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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