I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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