fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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