I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
