How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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