i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
