More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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