I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
