I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
