my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
