I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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