I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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