I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
