I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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