I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
