This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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