We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
