Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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