she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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