If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
