I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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