I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
