he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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