Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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