There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
