we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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