I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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