I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
