Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
