i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
