i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
