I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
