we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
