apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize