just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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