he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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